Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
