phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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