there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Randomize
