I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
