Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
