at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
