there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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