what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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