Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
