Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
My vagina is officially offended.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
