Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
