new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
