dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
