Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
