I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
