My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
