man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
