Can i not drive my cunt home
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
tonight lets celebrate not being married
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
