Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
