i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
