I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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