shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Randomize
