we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
