i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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