Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
