please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
