i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
My feet surprised me
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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