I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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