It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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