I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
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