then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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