Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
