Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
