Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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