so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
