I can text with my tongue
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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