I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
