If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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