woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
false alarm, still single
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
