if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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