you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
