All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
