Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
