This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
