thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
