I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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