Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He? As in you personified your dick?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
