So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
organizing the empties. That sober.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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