I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
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