We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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